Ok so I talked to Robin after the wedding and told her that if she wanted I would post my speech on her blog. So I am here about to post it but I have problems with the schedule post thingy (my in memory post for PM didn’t get posted until Monday) and the speech was saved on my work computer so it hasn’t been posted as early as everyone else’s guest posts. But here you go…

I wrote it like I would say it…. So it isn’t like a normal post. Also I said my speech after my husband the best man said his… just incase you were wondering why I said “again” a few times.

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You are in our thoughts.

This may turn into a long post, so I apologize ahead of time. I usually avoid long posts but this is something I feel I can’t shorten. I couldn’t wait to post it tomorrow morning so you get my Tuesday post a little early.

It was a pain in the ass to get into Boston on Sunday. I drove to Alewife and took the T to The hynes Convention Center. From there I struggled to lug a huge bag of clothes and a viola another mile or so. By the time I got to the apartment I was drenched in sweat so we had to cool me down and then they prettied me up. The one thing I had to really apologzie for was that I wasn’t very good at makeup but luckily they knew what they were doing. Normally Gemini does my makeup but she was sick

Oh and I can’t forget that I actually forgot a bra, can you believe that?? I was wearing a comfy sports bra and forgot to bring a sexy bra. So I stopped at TJ Max to grab one, luckily I ended up finding the perfect bra. It was a bright red sexy bra for $5

It was a typical Boston apartment but a really nice one with big windows facing a busy street. There was a bed with a white comforter. I had a few outfits but we decided to go with the most comfortable first. I’ll detail the rest by the outfits.

Boxers/tank top/red converse: I started by just sitting on the bed and laying down at well. This was very relaxed. I would sometimes show some cleavage (duh, this happened a lot) and pull down my tank to show the red strap of my bra.

White Lace Corset W/White Ruffled Undies: I was in this outfit for a while. I think we moved to the hallway at that point. I sat on the floor leaning up against the wall with my knees up to my chest. I learned right then that when you do that the top of the corset sticks straight out and your boobs pop out, but I guess in this situation it was ok. Then we started using the viola. At one point I turned around while still sitting and they lined the viola straight up against my back. We then moved to the kitchen so she could do a sillouette with the window shades behind me. This is kind of hard to explain but we still used the viola.

Plaid Skirt/Ruffled Undies/Men’s White Dress Shirt/White Knee Socks/Mary Janes: We started with me just sitting on the end of the bed doing the cute thing. Oh yeah, I had pigtails too…can’t forget that. I stood up on the bed at one point turned away flat against the wall kind of showing off the ruffles. They quickly had me take off the white shirt so it was just a school girl with a bright red bra. I think my favorite part was when they had me sit in an office chair with my legs over one side and one of Erik’s ties around my neck. Oh, did I mention I was topless a little towards the end of this.

Another great part was at the end me posing with the viola completely topless, that was my idea

I am so sore today now. Partly from the shoot but mostly from lugging the damn bag and viola across Boston. Still, it was one of the best experiences of my entire life. I highly recommend every woman do this, you all deserve it. Although Rachel is by far the best photographer.

In my adolecsent years I was chubby but then I also didn’t know better than to eat carbs in and out all day long. I lost a ton of weight around 17 years old but it wasn’t the healthy way. I had always dreamed of being thin and to finally be that I was beyond thrilled. Although I must admit, I really wasn’t any happier. I obsessed about staying skinny, only getting unhealthier and putting my life at risk.

This went on for years into college until I got into a serious relationship in my Junior year. I started not obsessing and letting things go a little. I ballooned up pretty quickly getting back to the size I had been in early high school. I got really depressed. I was put on Wellbutrin and lost a lot of weight again but then I was living unhealthily again. I ended up getting so badly dehydrated I had to take time off of school because I couldn’t swallow (haha yeah blow jobs whatever).

By the time I met Erik I was on the extra curvy side and of course thought I was a whale. I’m now a lot more than that. I’ve always felt uncomfortable in the skin of a plus size person, I still cringe to say it but it’s true. I have it so locked in my head that I can’t be this way, that this isn’t me. That until I lose weight I’m ugly or just plain wrong. Like I have a fat suit on I can’t take off.

I think the really hard part is I feel this is not how I am supposed to be. I have a tiny frame, I’m petite. I look at myself and see I have tiny feet and tiny hands and my head isn’t even very big so I don’t think it looks right, I think it looks like it’s so very very wrong.

With the wedding approaching and having to wear a wedding dress I’ve been through all the emotions. Sometimes I think I’m a big fat cow that will be horrifying in a wedding dress and sometimes I think while I’m extra extra curvy I’m still pretty sexy or at least I make it work. It’s a constant up and down thing for me, every day is different.

But somehow I am slowly (very slowly) coming to accept it. With my health issues and genes I will probably never be petite again. I might but at this point it’s unlikely. I know I won’t be thin for my wedding and that’s a hard pill to swallow because I kind of feel like I failed myself and everyone else. I think everyday how I HOPE everyone still thinks I look beautiful even though I didn’t get the weight off.

Maybe this whole thing in part is a lesson for me, to accept what I am and who I am and where I am. That this is me for a reason. That it doesn’t have to be the end of the world and that the love of my life loves me exactly the way I am.

I haven’t gotten to complete acceptance but some days I feel almost okay about it, I sometimes almost have peace. I figure that’s something, right?

And if after this you still haven’t seen my private post from yesterday I suggest you log in now.

Anytime you suffer a setback or disappointment, put your head down and plow ahead. — Les Brown

It’s painfully hard for me not to get hurt. I have to work really hard to find my own way to deal with it. But I have always been able to look beyond everything to see the truth and to accept a new reality but it can take a lot of time. It’s not easy but I’ve certainly done it before. I have to be willing to let things go, to walk away.

No more expectations, today is today. Any disappointments are only a way to lead me in a new direction, a better one.

* Today I am going out to get stuff done for myself for the shower, like get my hair cut…it needs it so bad!

I need a more upbeat post and I got this idea from someone but I can’t remember who. I decided to add some layers to it to get me thinking about things other than the stuff that has been making me sick lately.

Best compliment I’ve ever received:

I could mention one about my looks or something Erik has said to me but that is boring. A huge compliment that I always remembered was when I was in the car with my parents at the age of 19 when I realized my then boyfriend was going to dump me soon. At this point he was the third to break my heart. My dad, who never really shares anything meaningful with me, said considering all I’d already been through before that I had become really strong. That blew me away, I never forgot that.

Advice I’ve always remembered:

My friend Kat told me once (I don’t think she even remembers) when I was going through like my 47th breakup that I was a complicated girl. She told me that I would need a really special kind of guy that could handle me and give me everything I needed. I think at first this was disheartening because it seemed to me that I would never find a guy like that…but I did *some words may have been changed, this was like 10 years ago.

Most common advice others give me:

It’s a tie between them telling me to relax and to stop caring what others think about me. Obviously I never take the advice.

Most telling dream I’ve had:

I’ve had some crazy dreams, a lot of pregnancy and labor dreams. Still the most telling dream I had was many years ago when I was in college I had a dream that I was looking up at a man and he was making me laugh. He had no face but I knew he was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I honestly believe it was Erik, as cheesy as you may think that is.